Let me first start by saying that I’m not a board certified, licensed psychologist nor do I play one on stage or screen. What I’m about to share with you is a tactic that I have used for decades now to get through the day and, often, to do things I find incredibly difficult to do. The thoughts I share here are just a candid walk through my day-to-day process for doing what I do as a creative professional. Your results may vary. Consult with your psychologist, psychiatrist, or other medical professional before attempting anything I am about to suggest.
Ok, was that dramatic enough for you?! Did it get your attention? Well, at the very least, I certainly hope that it covers my butt for anything I’m about to share with you. 😉
I have to admit that, even after 25 years of being a professional creator (drummer / musician, music producer, writer, multi-media content creator, et al), I struggle with getting up every day and doing what I have to do to run my business, make the stuff that I make for other people, perform in front of people, AND be a normal person with “normal people problems”.
Especially in the area of Confidence, I have had to find tactics and strategies that allow me to execute with confidence and be in the moment with the muse of Creativity while also acknowledging my existence as a flawed, often under-performing human being.
I just find it hard to separate the stalwart white knight who walks onto a stage or into a recording session with swagger & confidence from the middle-aged human who deals with financial difficulties, feels like he has been a horrible parent, and sometimes has arguments with his wife about those first two things. The regular ole guy in me can’t always seem to wrap his mind around the cognitive dissonance that I often feel about who I am in the ordinary parts of my life against who I then have to go and be in my professional life. Maybe you’re really well integrated and know exactly how to navigate this situation. I, for one, do not know how.
I used to think it was a scenario of The Introvert VS The Extrovert. I used to even joke with people that I have always been “An introvert posing as an extrovert” when I’m around other people. But I think that the issue I struggle with is much deeper than that.
In psychology, there are disorders with names like “Dissociation” and “Depersonalization” that are often wound up in larger mental health conditions like Schizophrenia and Borderline Personality Disorder. In those situations, these are all bad things that must be addressed with the help of a mental health professional and often take decades to fully work out. But can Dissociation and Depersonalization become powerful tools in the mind of someone who struggles with simply being a human and that also, at times, has to seem almost “super human”?
Let’s face it. Getting up on stage for a few hundred to several thousand people and putting on what seems like a flawless performance as a musician is not something that everyone can do. And to do that with a captivating and entertaining presence that compels a large group of people to watch, listen, and fully engage with your musical performance is not something that most average people would even consider “normal” behavior. If I’m being honest, it’s a bit of a magic trick wrapped up in a shell of performance art.
And then there are the other ways that creativity shows itself in the other activities of the week:
1) Creating music in a studio that only existed in someone else’s mind a few minutes ago that will eventually end up on an album, online streaming service, film/video project, or other consumable format.
2) Making a video to teach a very specific musical concept to others who may with embrace your seasoned knowledge or dismiss it outright in the Comment Section of said video.
3) Writing an article for a blog or magazine that will get sifted through the eyes and brains of editors and other gatekeepers before that content actually makes it out into the world to be read by countless other people across the globe.
It’s been said that the fear of public speaking is the Number 1 fear in the minds of most civilians. Now, imagine that taking on a multi-media modality and the possibilities for presenting in front of the public become enumerable. Speaking becomes only one of many ways to feel as if you’re laying your soul bare and “showing your neck” to what might be a hostile, or worse indifferent, crowd.
For me to deal with all of this, be able to function as a performer and a Producer, AND live some whiff of a life as a normal human being, I will admit to harnessing the powers of Dissociation and Depersonalization on a regular basis. It’s a tightrope that I seemingly have to walk to reconcile that cognitive dissonance I have about who I need to be to express myself creatively at a very high level and also deal with the nagging normalities of everyday life.
So, here’s the simple version of what I do: In my mind, I have to create this partition which essentially creates two different characters or personalities (I’m not talking about a “Me, Myself And Irene” situation… which would be utterly hilarious to watch but a nightmare to actually live.)
The first persona is one that you have seen on most of my online profiles.
“The Brian Stephens” is this mythical guy with an imaginary cape that can seemingly do no wrong when he’s on stage, in a recording studio, or in front of a camera. In my mind, that guy is a straight-up Super Hero. That big “BS” on his chest stands for “Big Shot” and he wears it proudly because he’s always confident that he will get the job done and done with a high level of excellence.
The Brian Stephens isn’t arrogant or egotistical (or at least he doesn’t have the intention of being that way). He’s just incredibly confident that he is going to succeed on the task at hand because he knows that he will outrun, outwork, and outwit any problem that may come his way.
That guy is completely prepared to do however much work it takes to accomplish the goal or complete the task. He has already been working on acquiring the skills and amassing the knowledge needed to take on any creative endeavor. In fact, he probably got out of bed at 7A (or stayed up till 3A) to read that book, practice that new technique, or attend that class that helped him prepare for whatever is on the docket today.
He usually knows what was needed before anyone asks and he is prepared to go to whatever length is needed today to ensure success in the venture and happiness for the client, audience member, or colleague. That guy’s mind never stops working on a project, problem, or concept. He is never “mailing it in” and expects the same level of commitment from every single person he works alongside.
As a leader, The Brian Stephens will never ask someone else to do something that he isn’t willing to do himself. In many cases, he may have already learned how to do the task he is asking you to perform. Now, he didn’t do it in the spirit of competition or to take some higher ground position in order to subordinate other people. He did it simply so that he could be a better communicator to those he is leading (or working alongside) and possibly to be a better resource should some difficulty arise.
The Brian Stephens has a favorite saying: “You’re only limited by your willingness to let the impossible become common.” (Yes, he actually came up with that one himself.)
Sounds like a pretty amazing guy, right?!
He can be, but… being that guy is exhausting. I don’t think I could be that guy 24/7/365. The person writing this blog post doesn’t have the capacity nor the energy to be “That Guy” day in and day out. So, that’s where the other guy comes in.
“Bri” is the guy who has problems waking up on time every day. He’s the guy who would rather sit on the couch and binge watch Ted Lasso than practice his Samba Variations. Bri is the guy who had an argument with his wife yesterday that he can’t seem to get over and who worries about where the money’s going to come from to fix the garage door.
Bri is the guy who feels completely inadequate at public events and would rather sit in the corner with his drink, watching other people work the room. Bri is the person who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is pretty certain that any success is going to be short lived and that it’s only a matter of time before something happens to spoil all of the good stuff currently in full swing. Bri is the guy who thinks that every gig eventually ends someday and that nothing is ever “good enough”.
That said, Bri is also the worker bee of the duo. He’s very good with details and organization. He knows how to put his nose to the grindstone and work on a tedious task until it is fully completed. While he may not be very cheery or entertaining, he seems to love the idea of chipping away at the daily grunt work needed to make any endeavor succeed. He enjoys solitude and prefers working alone.
What he lacks in swagger, he makes up for in patience.
While The Brian Stephens fuels up on emotion, our guy Bri is powered by pragmatism. He looks for the middle ground and is always looking to what can be measured as his heuristic. Bri may not always like the facts that he sees in front of him but, ultimately, he is the guy to create the path forward to deal with them.
If The Brian Stephens is the person who jumps onto stages in his flashy costume and cape, with his head up and his arms outstretched, then Bri is the fella crouched in the corner in his t-shirt & sweats with his head down and his hands wrapped around the problems of the day.
This is how I am currently having to deal with life and work. It is how I have dealt with everything in my daily existence for the last 30+ years. These two guys have gotten me through every situation and every event I’ve ever gone through, both good and bad. Sometimes, they work together simultaneously, other times separately. They might even disagree about how to handle a situation… but they have always pulled through in the clutch.
Is this flavor of dissociation and/or depersonalization healthy? I am no mental health pro, but I would like to think so.
Now, you’ll never find me openly arguing with myself, Jim Carrey-style, but the concept of being able to separate myself into these two very different types of people has helped me to handle the demands of the moment for decades.
That guy you see on stage is horrible with tedious processes and that fella punching numbers into a spreadsheet is terrified of big crowds. They need each other to function in the worlds of the creative professional and the musical performer. It’s a very Yin / Yang way of dealing with this life.
How can I be sure it’s healthy? Well, I know that you will always be talking to Brian Stephens and, unlike the fallout of that schizophrenia mental disorder, I remember everything that goes on as well as everything that was said… and I don’t need a crazy drum roll transformation to switch “hats”. 😉
I just know that finding a balance between that always-on The Brian Stephens and the more subdued and methodical Bri guy gives me the gears I need to deal with the nature of the work in front of me and, in moments of adversity, gives me options for how I deal with any given situation.
That said, if I let the wrong version of myself tackle a problem, the outcome is often far less than satisfactory. Bri has a gift for being diplomatic and empathetic… exactly what is needed to deal with conflict and reach a suitable conclusion. When it comes time to get a group of people motivated and headed in the same direction, The Brian Stephens always knows exactly what to say and how to say it to elicit an enthusiastic response.
When harnessed correctly, this process yields some pretty remarkable results!
Are there any coping mechanisms that you use to get your work done or accomplish those lofty Blue Sky ideas that you’re passionate about? I’d love to hear your story below in the Comments Section!!